By Brent Snyder (Feb. 19 2022)
It seems that everyone - and I mean everyone - online this weekend has chimed in with their opinions and/or reviews of the latest "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" currently streaming on Netflix. Simply titled "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," the slasher "requel" stars Elsie Fisher as the new "Final Girl" - and ignores all the previous sequels in the classic slasher series. Some fans love the new take on a TCM Part 2 (and I count myself in the "love it" camp). But some viewers hate it, preferring previous films in the now rebooted series. Still others wonder if this ninth film in the franchise will eventually lead to yet another entry - another TCM Part 3 so to speak.
Fueled by espresso, I banged out my pitch for the next TCM film in an 11 part Twitter thread, which I offer here compiled onto one page. Enjoy!
My pitch for a sequel to #TexasChainsawMassacre on
1). Texas Rangers (and true crime podcasters) descend on Harlow, TX to investigate (and livestream) the bloody remains of what's called "The Massacre on Main Street, TX."
2). Big Corporate Media wants to turn Final Girl into a STAR as "the ultimate survivor in a world gone mad" - and turn #TexasChainsawMassacre into a BRAND. "Streaming docudrama series - merchandise - video games - designer water - FUNKO POPS - the works!"
3). But of course Big Corporate Media wants Final Girl to return to the scene of the crime and FACE HER FEAR (all on camera, also of course) and the Texas Rangers want to use her insight and experience in their manhunt of Leatherface. Very much of an ALIENS vibe, which is intentional.
4.) Or do the Texas Rangers simply want to use Final Girl as bait, seeing how she is "the one that got away" from Leatherface? Hero Ranger will keep Final Girl as safe as possible and show her the ropes. "Show me everything" says Final Girl, pointing to the GUN. (Aliens again.)
5). Texas Rangers gear up and head out to the Leatherface Family Ranch - only to trigger various RAMBO HOME ALONE boobytraps(!) - which decimate the Rangers and whittle their numbers down in a series of bloody gore FX gags. Because blood & guts.
6). Who knew there were TUNNELS underneath the Leatherface Family Ranch? Below the dusty Texas landscape, the Rangers and Final Girl find the Family's secret bunker - filled with the remains of former family members, victims and Easter eggs from the TCM franchise. (Fan service!)
7). The tunnels lead to the long abandoned MEAT PACKING PLANT and of course by this time it's dark and storming with rain, thunder, wind and lightning flashes. Cat-and-mouse bloody gore FX gags ensue, cutting down the number of Rangers even more. Finally, the rain stops ...
8). ... and Leatherface has left the building. His bloody trail leads the Final Girl and few remaining Rangers to the lonesome COUNTY CEMETERY where the FINAL CONFRONTATION will take place. Only, they're not alone: an army of True Crime Podcasters are already on the scene? What?
9). Turns out the True Crime Podcasters thought it would be a GREAT idea to host a MIDNIGHT LIVESTREAM from the County Cemetery interviewing locals and "celebrities" about the legacy of the #TexasChainsawMassacre and the hunt for the elusive Leatherface. Of course, carnage ensues.
10). During a brutally bloody battle, Leatherface throws his chainsaw, lodging it in Final Girl's Grandmother's tombstone. Hero Ranger shoots Leatherface in the knee, bringing him down momentarily - and Final Girl pulls the chainsaw out of the stone - decapitating the killer. BAM
11). The scene switches to livestream footage of Final Girl screaming/laughing hysterically while spinning the chainsaw in the air like a dance - comments start scrolling up the screen both praising and criticizing her - until the comments devolve into CHAINSAW DANCE memes.
And there you have it! Netflix, I'll be home all day anxiously awaiting your reply. In the meantime, I'll brew up some more espresso.
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